He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
