Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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