maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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