If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
