you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
