he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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