best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He shit in the fireplace
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
