He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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