My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
