Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
