Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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