took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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