she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
