I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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