Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
