I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
