I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
