Plan B is the new Plan A
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
