im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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