Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
