I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize