I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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