tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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