I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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