Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
