I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
