happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
