I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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