she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
