i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
