You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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