Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize