Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
