Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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