my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
