I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
