I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
