That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
