Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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