Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
