I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
