Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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