Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Randomize
