The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
