I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
