I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
