sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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