Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
