Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
