Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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