I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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