I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
