Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
