I need help removing her.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
