Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
