omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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