when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
