Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
