meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize