He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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