the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
